Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I think I am morally bankrupt
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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