ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
