"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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