I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
