i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
