i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
