my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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