You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
