dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
