My Higher Power is John Stamos
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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