Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
