Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
