I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
