we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
