I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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