All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
