Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Randomize
