wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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