Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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