he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
