the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
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I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
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