So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
