We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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