wrigley field is MILF paradise
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
