Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
