How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
