i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
