i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
