does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
