I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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