My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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