I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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