Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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