If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
