So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
