I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
