theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
