The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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