now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
