I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
