Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
