the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
