can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
