Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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