low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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