Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
