We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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