does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
