No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I touched a dick in church today
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
