Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
