Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
