Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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