I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
