my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
