she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
