I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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