I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
