When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
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Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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