I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
