she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
