Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i out mim tonsoeep
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
