She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
